Four Key Questions To Ask
According to Tolle’s landmark audio-book ‘The Power of Now’, your can determine whether the time and the pressures of time are overtaking your relationship with four questions below.
IS THERE JOY, EASE OR LIGHTNESS IN MY RELATIONSHIP?
If there isn’t, than time is covering up the present moment and your relationship is preserved as a burden or a struggle. It does not necessarily mean you have to change what you are doing, it may be sufficient to change the how. 'How' is always more important than what.
When every cell vibrates with life - you can say that you are free of time. You still need to pay the bills, (which is not the problem), the loss of being present is a problem which turns into suffering. Most people however have to work at it.
See if the ‘how’ you can give much more attention to the doing than to the result you want to achieve. Give your fullest attention to what the moment presents. This implies that you are ready to completely accept ‘what is’ in your relationship.
Stop trying to understand being. It cannot be labeled, or become an object of knowledge. There is no 'mine' or 'yours' in being.
AM I REALLY LISTENING?
When listening to your partner, don’t just listen with your mind, listen with your whole body. When you are not taking attention away by thinking and listen fully without mind interfering you are giving your partner the space to be. Then gradually focus more on the feeling.
Don’t get attached in any visual image. If you need to use your mind for a specific purpose, the easiest way to do it is through your body. Focus on the inner energy field, inner stillness.
Most relationships consist of minds interacting with each other, not of human beings communicating (being in communion).
This is the beginning of the realization of love which is 'being'. When the mind is running your life, conflict strives and problems are inevitable where no relationship can thrive.
IS MY FULL ATTENTION TRULY IN THIS MOMENT?
Try to notice and become aware of how rarely your attention is truly in the now. Knowing now that you are not present is a great success. Even if it is lost in a few seconds, that 'knowing' is presence and consciousness.
Practice this until presence becomes your predominant state.
This will allow you to identify your thought process where you are run by egoic mind and you are unaware of being, which is a continuous level of unease, discontent, boredom or nervousness, a kind of background static noise. You might not realize this because it is such a part of normal living, just as you are unaware of a continuous background hum of an air conditioner until it stops. When it suddenly does stop, there is a sense of relief.
Many turn to drugs, sex, food, alcohol, work, TV, shopping as an unconscious attempt to remove basic unease in their relationship problems. When this happens, these actions become compulsive and addictive quality and all what is achieved thru it – is a short-lived symptom relief.
Left unresolved, your relationship unease leads to a deeper level of suffering and pain. The habitual resistance to the present moment, the denial or unease, becomes intensified through the threat to the ego and brings negativity such as anger, fear, depression, and so on.
Bring more conscious into your life when things go smoothly and generate good energy around you and no anger or unease can survive then just like darkness can’t survive in the presence of light.
AM I CONSTANTLY WANTING AND CRAVING?
The root of suffering is in our constant wanting and craving of something in your current relationship. Freud S. recognized this in his book, “The civilization and its discontent” to be free of this affliction is to be conscious without any unnecessary judgment, resistance to unease.
We as individuals have conceptual differences. We are conceptual differences. We don't even get out of bed the same way. But isn't that where love begins, in the difference —the otherness— that makes love possible, and necessary?